Headphones.
One of the worst parts of coming into work is having to listen to people talk about their newly born babies or their current pregnancies. I only work in a building with roughly 20 people but 3 of them are currently pregnant and 2 have recently had kids (and that's just the women in the office). So, pretty much the only thing I hear all day long is people talking about babies. I want to scream so bad at my coworkers sometimes, but I hold my tongue. If it weren't for being able to throw in some ear buds and listen to music so loudly it feels like my ear drums might pop, I would go insane. I know that people don't purposely talk about their kids around me, but I swear that sometimes it feels as if these people seek me. I know that sounds nuts, but this office has 3 floors and somehow they always end up talking right by my cube. I know my cube mate just had a kid, but really people, there are so many other places to talk where you won't be around me. SO MOVE! This is pretty nasty of me, but every now and then I will grab my iPod out of my purse really dramatically just so they are aware how pissed off I am. I know that's mean and selfish of me, but I could easily say the same thing about them.
So much for me wanting to get out of this depression lately. I just don't think it will ever happen. I was doing alright for awhile and actually had an ok 4th of July break. I had all of last week off (except Monday) and it was great. First, anytime I don't have to be at work is pretty nice. I actually don't mind work, but it still is great to be at home and around my husband. Second, I love the 4th of July and fireworks. It was crazy hot here, but there were still tons of displays and they really were beautiful to watch (even if I did have a freak out moment because some flames got pretty close to our house and it was super dry outside. Sorry, babe:)). Lastly, it was my birthday on Sunday and despite the fact that I was seriously dreading it, as this should have been my first birthday with Ava, it wasn't terrible. My hubby got up early and decorated the house and my parents came over for dinner. All in all, it ended up being ok, especially when I didn't think birthdays would ever be anything but miserable for the rest of my life. Despite last week though, things just aren't going very well. I so badly want to be happy again. I feel like life is a tease because I will have one good day and then get knocked down in a heart beat the next day (or hour, or minute or second). This roller coaster of grief (I guess that's what you would call it) just plain sucks. I'm sick of it; plain and simple. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time and relish the moments where I can be happy; no matter how brief it may be.
Happy belated 4th of July to everyone, especially my fellow loss mamas. Even though this may not be a typical "family" holiday like Christmas, it is still so hard. So, I hope that each of you were able to find some moments of happiness.
Ava, I hope you enjoyed watching all the fireworks in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you!
