We Don't Deserve This

Over lunch today I went home for a bit and ended up watching an episode of 8 Simple Rules. It was the episode where the dad had just passed away. The entire episode was really emotional, but one line from the show really struck me and made me think over an idea I have always had. The idea that we always get what we deserve (good or bad). Pretty much the grandpa was saying that if we all got what we deserved, we probably wouldn't have all the blessing we have. I guess I've never thought of it like this. Ever since Ava passed away I have been blaming myself and thinking that I must be paying for my past mistakes. But after hearing that, I thought maybe he is right. Some of the things that happen in life just happen. There is no rhyme or reason, it just happens. It can happen to anyone too and at anytime. It's kind of a scary thought, but for a moment when I heard him say that, I actually thought all of this wasn't my fault and I didn't need to keep this heavy burden on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong; I think if you do good, good will come back to you at some point, but when the bad comes, sometimes it has nothing to do with you or the good/bad things you have done. This idea isn't really "romantic" in the sense that it doesn't wrap every life circumstance up into a pretty little bow, but it sure as hell made me breathe slightly easier for the time I was watching that. So to all those people who say that everything happens for a reason or that people will get what they deserve, I really don't agree. Certain things happen just because and there isn't an explanation at all. While that isn't very comforting to most people, it helps me get through the here and now.

Will It Ever Get Better?

So a lot has happened since I last posted...

In early April, we found out we were pregnant again. Although we were extremely excited, I can't begin to describe how very, very afraid I was. I truly felt guilty for how scared I was and became really mad at myself that this pregnancy would be riddled with fear and would be the farthest thing from happy. However, those feelings didn't last very long as we found out in late May (10.5 weeks into the pregnancy) that we lost another baby. Utter despair set in and I pretty much went off the deep edge. I literally ran away from home for a night and refused to speak to anyone including my husband (sweetie, I am still so sorry I did that to you). I know it sounds nuts, but as scared as I was, I just thought this pregnancy would work out because I didn't think there could be a God cruel enough to inflict another loss on us. Boy was I wrong. I had to have a D&C at the end of May and what I thought would be routine ended up being anything but. I had some pretty serious complications and ended up with an infection as well as retained tissue. The retained tissue caused me to have contractions and that was just insult to injury. The physical pain was so unbearable that I had to check back into the hospital and be monitored for a few days. I really feel like I can't do anything the easy way.

So, needless to say, the past month and a half has just been miserable. We've met with doctors who say absolutely nothing is wrong with us and that losing Ava and this most recent pregnancy are just simply bad luck. While I know they are right, as we have had a boat load of testing done (plus the fact that Ava's loss and this loss are not even remotely related), it just feels like nothing will ever work out for us and this endless depression won't get better. While losing this baby was very difficult, it really just brought up the fact that I miss our Ava more than words can tell. Had Ava been born in May a healthy, happy baby, we wouldn't have even been trying to get pregnant and we wouldn't have lost another baby. I don't want to take anything away from the baby we lost, but all I could really think about was Ava. Losing her was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.

On top of everything, the people that did know we were pregnant (really just our parents) aren't the most sympathetic right now. I appreciate the support they have given us, but you can just tell in talking with them that they have this sense of "get over it." I feel like they have this idea that since this was "just" a miscarriage and not a stillbirth (like Ava) that we are not mourning this baby too. Again, losing Ava was much more difficult than this loss, but a loss is a loss no matter what gestational age. Other than each other, my husband and I really have no one to talk to about this and it's just miserable. I know that we will make it through together because our relationship is incredibly strong, but I just want to know if it will ever get better...