Separation Anxiety

So I have been back to work for almost a month now and the separation anxiety that I had from the first time I left him is still holding strong. I'm lucky that our little guy is currently being watched by my aunt and then my mom for the entire summer since she is a teacher, but the mere thought of him being in a daycare come August literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm just terrified that something will happen to him because the daycare worker doesn't just take care of our son, but many others as well. All of these "what if" scenarios just keep popping into my head and I can't make them go away. On top of this, I just found out I'll have to travel for work in February (yes, 9 months away from now) and I am already a nervous wreck about it. I actually had to go into the bathroom after talking to my boss about it and I broke down in tears thinking how I won't see our son for 5 days (typing it out right now is making it even harder to imagine!). I really thought it would get so much better; at least that's what everyone told me, but it just has not. I guess there are a couple feelings at play here. First is that I know how easily people (especially children) can be ripped out of your life and I want to spend every waking moment with him so I don't miss anything. Second, and I think the one that bugs me the most, is just the complete distrust I have for professionals whose job it is to take care of babies and kids. Logically I know that this all stems from how awful our OB was while pregnant with Ava, but it just keeps spilling over into ALL people in this field. I don't talk about it often, because it's so painful, but the OB we had while pregnant with Ava was partly responsible for her passing. If she would have been attentive to so many things she wasn't, we could have caught the Parvovirus earlier and possibly treated Ava while in the womb (and have her here with us now). It's this exact reason why I am terrified of someone else taking care of him. This anxiety has gotten so bad that I even discussed with my husband the possibility of me quitting and being a stay-at-home mom. While that would be the most amazing job in the world, I know that right now it isn't necessarily the best financial move. Although it wouldn't work for now, we did discuss how it would be a feasible option if we ever have another baby. Is it terrible that I thought about getting pregnant as soon as possible just so I could stay home with him and the new baby? I know that it wouldn't be the best (for my health or the baby's) but I just want so badly to be home with our son. I guess all I can do is take it day-by-day and hope that this anxiety starts to lift as time passes.

Beautiful Baby Boy

Well, I know it's been quite some time since I last posted but a lot has happened. My wonderful husband and I found out in mid July of 2012 that we were pregnant again and I am happy to say that we now have a beautiful and healthy baby boy! We welcomed our little man in early March and he is just the most amazing miracle; we really are very lucky to have him here with us and we couldn't be happier! The pregnancy actually went pretty smoothly (just a few weeks of bed rest at the very end). I was of course a wreck the entire time, but that was pretty much expected. It's amazing how past experiences can really affect everything that happens from that point on. Appointments were filled with anxiety every time and it really tested our strength. I can remember preparing myself for not hearing his heart beat each time to save myself from being blind sided like we were with Ava. It was like one messed up mind game every time we went in, but I'd do it over and over again in order to have him here with us! My husband was (as always) my rock throughout the entire pregnancy and birth. It's crazy how moments like that brought us so much closer together and made our relationship so much stronger. I 100% could not have done it without him and I hope I let him know how perfect he truly is. I could not ask for a better partner; he is and always will be my heart and my best friend.

Although the past year and a half has been harder than I could have ever imagined, I feel so much stronger and truly happier. There are definitely moments that I miss her so much it physically hurts, but I just look in the eyes of our son and realize how blessed we are to have him and to have a big sister that gets to watch over him from Heaven. The day will come when we tell him about her and I think I've reached the point where it won't hurt as bad  to talk about her and what happened. I love both my children so very much and look forward to every moment I have on Earth with our sweet boy until the day I will meet our Ava in Heaven.