So I just found out about an independent film called "Return to Zero." It is about a couple who works through the stillbirth of their baby boy at 37 weeks. In order for it to be released in theaters, they need pledges (no donation of money involved). If anyone that views this blog could please click on the link below and pledge to see this move, that would be great. They need 150,000 pledges by July 12 and they are currently at 117,000.
There is just so much silent pain that comes along with stillbirth and we need to break that silence! Please help and pass onto anyone else that can as well.
Click Here to Pledge
Monday, July 1, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Separation Anxiety
So I have been back to work for almost a month now and the separation anxiety that I had from the first time I left him is still holding strong. I'm lucky that our little guy is currently being watched by my aunt and then my mom for the entire summer since she is a teacher, but the mere thought of him being in a daycare come August literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm just terrified that something will happen to him because the daycare worker doesn't just take care of our son, but many others as well. All of these "what if" scenarios just keep popping into my head and I can't make them go away. On top of this, I just found out I'll have to travel for work in February (yes, 9 months away from now) and I am already a nervous wreck about it. I actually had to go into the bathroom after talking to my boss about it and I broke down in tears thinking how I won't see our son for 5 days (typing it out right now is making it even harder to imagine!). I really thought it would get so much better; at least that's what everyone told me, but it just has not. I guess there are a couple feelings at play here. First is that I know how easily people (especially children) can be ripped out of your life and I want to spend every waking moment with him so I don't miss anything. Second, and I think the one that bugs me the most, is just the complete distrust I have for professionals whose job it is to take care of babies and kids. Logically I know that this all stems from how awful our OB was while pregnant with Ava, but it just keeps spilling over into ALL people in this field. I don't talk about it often, because it's so painful, but the OB we had while pregnant with Ava was partly responsible for her passing. If she would have been attentive to so many things she wasn't, we could have caught the Parvovirus earlier and possibly treated Ava while in the womb (and have her here with us now). It's this exact reason why I am terrified of someone else taking care of him. This anxiety has gotten so bad that I even discussed with my husband the possibility of me quitting and being a stay-at-home mom. While that would be the most amazing job in the world, I know that right now it isn't necessarily the best financial move. Although it wouldn't work for now, we did discuss how it would be a feasible option if we ever have another baby. Is it terrible that I thought about getting pregnant as soon as possible just so I could stay home with him and the new baby? I know that it wouldn't be the best (for my health or the baby's) but I just want so badly to be home with our son. I guess all I can do is take it day-by-day and hope that this anxiety starts to lift as time passes.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Beautiful Baby Boy
Well, I know it's been quite some time since I last posted but a lot has happened. My wonderful husband and I found out in mid July of 2012 that we were pregnant again and I am happy to say that we now have a beautiful and healthy baby boy! We welcomed our little man in early March and he is just the most amazing miracle; we really are very lucky to have him here with us and we couldn't be happier! The pregnancy actually went pretty smoothly (just a few weeks of bed rest at the very end). I was of course a wreck the entire time, but that was pretty much expected. It's amazing how past experiences can really affect everything that happens from that point on. Appointments were filled with anxiety every time and it really tested our strength. I can remember preparing myself for not hearing his heart beat each time to save myself from being blind sided like we were with Ava. It was like one messed up mind game every time we went in, but I'd do it over and over again in order to have him here with us! My husband was (as always) my rock throughout the entire pregnancy and birth. It's crazy how moments like that brought us so much closer together and made our relationship so much stronger. I 100% could not have done it without him and I hope I let him know how perfect he truly is. I could not ask for a better partner; he is and always will be my heart and my best friend.
Although the past year and a half has been harder than I could have ever imagined, I feel so much stronger and truly happier. There are definitely moments that I miss her so much it physically hurts, but I just look in the eyes of our son and realize how blessed we are to have him and to have a big sister that gets to watch over him from Heaven. The day will come when we tell him about her and I think I've reached the point where it won't hurt as bad to talk about her and what happened. I love both my children so very much and look forward to every moment I have on Earth with our sweet boy until the day I will meet our Ava in Heaven.
Although the past year and a half has been harder than I could have ever imagined, I feel so much stronger and truly happier. There are definitely moments that I miss her so much it physically hurts, but I just look in the eyes of our son and realize how blessed we are to have him and to have a big sister that gets to watch over him from Heaven. The day will come when we tell him about her and I think I've reached the point where it won't hurt as bad to talk about her and what happened. I love both my children so very much and look forward to every moment I have on Earth with our sweet boy until the day I will meet our Ava in Heaven.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Thank God For...
Headphones.
One of the worst parts of coming into work is having to listen to people talk about their newly born babies or their current pregnancies. I only work in a building with roughly 20 people but 3 of them are currently pregnant and 2 have recently had kids (and that's just the women in the office). So, pretty much the only thing I hear all day long is people talking about babies. I want to scream so bad at my coworkers sometimes, but I hold my tongue. If it weren't for being able to throw in some ear buds and listen to music so loudly it feels like my ear drums might pop, I would go insane. I know that people don't purposely talk about their kids around me, but I swear that sometimes it feels as if these people seek me. I know that sounds nuts, but this office has 3 floors and somehow they always end up talking right by my cube. I know my cube mate just had a kid, but really people, there are so many other places to talk where you won't be around me. SO MOVE! This is pretty nasty of me, but every now and then I will grab my iPod out of my purse really dramatically just so they are aware how pissed off I am. I know that's mean and selfish of me, but I could easily say the same thing about them.
So much for me wanting to get out of this depression lately. I just don't think it will ever happen. I was doing alright for awhile and actually had an ok 4th of July break. I had all of last week off (except Monday) and it was great. First, anytime I don't have to be at work is pretty nice. I actually don't mind work, but it still is great to be at home and around my husband. Second, I love the 4th of July and fireworks. It was crazy hot here, but there were still tons of displays and they really were beautiful to watch (even if I did have a freak out moment because some flames got pretty close to our house and it was super dry outside. Sorry, babe:)). Lastly, it was my birthday on Sunday and despite the fact that I was seriously dreading it, as this should have been my first birthday with Ava, it wasn't terrible. My hubby got up early and decorated the house and my parents came over for dinner. All in all, it ended up being ok, especially when I didn't think birthdays would ever be anything but miserable for the rest of my life. Despite last week though, things just aren't going very well. I so badly want to be happy again. I feel like life is a tease because I will have one good day and then get knocked down in a heart beat the next day (or hour, or minute or second). This roller coaster of grief (I guess that's what you would call it) just plain sucks. I'm sick of it; plain and simple. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time and relish the moments where I can be happy; no matter how brief it may be.
Happy belated 4th of July to everyone, especially my fellow loss mamas. Even though this may not be a typical "family" holiday like Christmas, it is still so hard. So, I hope that each of you were able to find some moments of happiness.
Ava, I hope you enjoyed watching all the fireworks in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you!
One of the worst parts of coming into work is having to listen to people talk about their newly born babies or their current pregnancies. I only work in a building with roughly 20 people but 3 of them are currently pregnant and 2 have recently had kids (and that's just the women in the office). So, pretty much the only thing I hear all day long is people talking about babies. I want to scream so bad at my coworkers sometimes, but I hold my tongue. If it weren't for being able to throw in some ear buds and listen to music so loudly it feels like my ear drums might pop, I would go insane. I know that people don't purposely talk about their kids around me, but I swear that sometimes it feels as if these people seek me. I know that sounds nuts, but this office has 3 floors and somehow they always end up talking right by my cube. I know my cube mate just had a kid, but really people, there are so many other places to talk where you won't be around me. SO MOVE! This is pretty nasty of me, but every now and then I will grab my iPod out of my purse really dramatically just so they are aware how pissed off I am. I know that's mean and selfish of me, but I could easily say the same thing about them.
So much for me wanting to get out of this depression lately. I just don't think it will ever happen. I was doing alright for awhile and actually had an ok 4th of July break. I had all of last week off (except Monday) and it was great. First, anytime I don't have to be at work is pretty nice. I actually don't mind work, but it still is great to be at home and around my husband. Second, I love the 4th of July and fireworks. It was crazy hot here, but there were still tons of displays and they really were beautiful to watch (even if I did have a freak out moment because some flames got pretty close to our house and it was super dry outside. Sorry, babe:)). Lastly, it was my birthday on Sunday and despite the fact that I was seriously dreading it, as this should have been my first birthday with Ava, it wasn't terrible. My hubby got up early and decorated the house and my parents came over for dinner. All in all, it ended up being ok, especially when I didn't think birthdays would ever be anything but miserable for the rest of my life. Despite last week though, things just aren't going very well. I so badly want to be happy again. I feel like life is a tease because I will have one good day and then get knocked down in a heart beat the next day (or hour, or minute or second). This roller coaster of grief (I guess that's what you would call it) just plain sucks. I'm sick of it; plain and simple. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time and relish the moments where I can be happy; no matter how brief it may be.
Happy belated 4th of July to everyone, especially my fellow loss mamas. Even though this may not be a typical "family" holiday like Christmas, it is still so hard. So, I hope that each of you were able to find some moments of happiness.
Ava, I hope you enjoyed watching all the fireworks in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
We Don't Deserve This
Over lunch today I went home for a bit and ended up watching an episode of 8 Simple Rules. It was the episode where the dad had just passed away. The entire episode was really emotional, but one line from the show really struck me and made me think over an idea I have always had. The idea that we always get what we deserve (good or bad). Pretty much the grandpa was saying that if we all got what we deserved, we probably wouldn't have all the blessing we have. I guess I've never thought of it like this. Ever since Ava passed away I have been blaming myself and thinking that I must be paying for my past mistakes. But after hearing that, I thought maybe he is right. Some of the things that happen in life just happen. There is no rhyme or reason, it just happens. It can happen to anyone too and at anytime. It's kind of a scary thought, but for a moment when I heard him say that, I actually thought all of this wasn't my fault and I didn't need to keep this heavy burden on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong; I think if you do good, good will come back to you at some point, but when the bad comes, sometimes it has nothing to do with you or the good/bad things you have done. This idea isn't really "romantic" in the sense that it doesn't wrap every life circumstance up into a pretty little bow, but it sure as hell made me breathe slightly easier for the time I was watching that. So to all those people who say that everything happens for a reason or that people will get what they deserve, I really don't agree. Certain things happen just because and there isn't an explanation at all. While that isn't very comforting to most people, it helps me get through the here and now.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Will It Ever Get Better?
So a lot has happened since I last posted...
In early April, we found out we were pregnant again. Although we were extremely excited, I can't begin to describe how very, very afraid I was. I truly felt guilty for how scared I was and became really mad at myself that this pregnancy would be riddled with fear and would be the farthest thing from happy. However, those feelings didn't last very long as we found out in late May (10.5 weeks into the pregnancy) that we lost another baby. Utter despair set in and I pretty much went off the deep edge. I literally ran away from home for a night and refused to speak to anyone including my husband (sweetie, I am still so sorry I did that to you). I know it sounds nuts, but as scared as I was, I just thought this pregnancy would work out because I didn't think there could be a God cruel enough to inflict another loss on us. Boy was I wrong. I had to have a D&C at the end of May and what I thought would be routine ended up being anything but. I had some pretty serious complications and ended up with an infection as well as retained tissue. The retained tissue caused me to have contractions and that was just insult to injury. The physical pain was so unbearable that I had to check back into the hospital and be monitored for a few days. I really feel like I can't do anything the easy way.
So, needless to say, the past month and a half has just been miserable. We've met with doctors who say absolutely nothing is wrong with us and that losing Ava and this most recent pregnancy are just simply bad luck. While I know they are right, as we have had a boat load of testing done (plus the fact that Ava's loss and this loss are not even remotely related), it just feels like nothing will ever work out for us and this endless depression won't get better. While losing this baby was very difficult, it really just brought up the fact that I miss our Ava more than words can tell. Had Ava been born in May a healthy, happy baby, we wouldn't have even been trying to get pregnant and we wouldn't have lost another baby. I don't want to take anything away from the baby we lost, but all I could really think about was Ava. Losing her was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.
On top of everything, the people that did know we were pregnant (really just our parents) aren't the most sympathetic right now. I appreciate the support they have given us, but you can just tell in talking with them that they have this sense of "get over it." I feel like they have this idea that since this was "just" a miscarriage and not a stillbirth (like Ava) that we are not mourning this baby too. Again, losing Ava was much more difficult than this loss, but a loss is a loss no matter what gestational age. Other than each other, my husband and I really have no one to talk to about this and it's just miserable. I know that we will make it through together because our relationship is incredibly strong, but I just want to know if it will ever get better...
In early April, we found out we were pregnant again. Although we were extremely excited, I can't begin to describe how very, very afraid I was. I truly felt guilty for how scared I was and became really mad at myself that this pregnancy would be riddled with fear and would be the farthest thing from happy. However, those feelings didn't last very long as we found out in late May (10.5 weeks into the pregnancy) that we lost another baby. Utter despair set in and I pretty much went off the deep edge. I literally ran away from home for a night and refused to speak to anyone including my husband (sweetie, I am still so sorry I did that to you). I know it sounds nuts, but as scared as I was, I just thought this pregnancy would work out because I didn't think there could be a God cruel enough to inflict another loss on us. Boy was I wrong. I had to have a D&C at the end of May and what I thought would be routine ended up being anything but. I had some pretty serious complications and ended up with an infection as well as retained tissue. The retained tissue caused me to have contractions and that was just insult to injury. The physical pain was so unbearable that I had to check back into the hospital and be monitored for a few days. I really feel like I can't do anything the easy way.
So, needless to say, the past month and a half has just been miserable. We've met with doctors who say absolutely nothing is wrong with us and that losing Ava and this most recent pregnancy are just simply bad luck. While I know they are right, as we have had a boat load of testing done (plus the fact that Ava's loss and this loss are not even remotely related), it just feels like nothing will ever work out for us and this endless depression won't get better. While losing this baby was very difficult, it really just brought up the fact that I miss our Ava more than words can tell. Had Ava been born in May a healthy, happy baby, we wouldn't have even been trying to get pregnant and we wouldn't have lost another baby. I don't want to take anything away from the baby we lost, but all I could really think about was Ava. Losing her was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.
On top of everything, the people that did know we were pregnant (really just our parents) aren't the most sympathetic right now. I appreciate the support they have given us, but you can just tell in talking with them that they have this sense of "get over it." I feel like they have this idea that since this was "just" a miscarriage and not a stillbirth (like Ava) that we are not mourning this baby too. Again, losing Ava was much more difficult than this loss, but a loss is a loss no matter what gestational age. Other than each other, my husband and I really have no one to talk to about this and it's just miserable. I know that we will make it through together because our relationship is incredibly strong, but I just want to know if it will ever get better...
Thursday, May 10, 2012
March for Babies
Hi Everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I last posted but I was in a really bad spot for awhile and work has pretty much given me zero time to spend on anything else.
I wanted to post about our March for Babies walk that took place last weekend. Yeah, it rained a little bit (I mean A LOT!) but nothing can rain on this parade! It was so much fun. We had about 15 people from our team that weathered the rain with us and had a great time. It was great to see all the stories of babies that came too early, but were able to fight through and are healthy and happy today. At the same time, it was sad to see all the families that had to wear the silver beads (the color to signify a loss). I just wish that no one had to go through this and every person could bring home a healthy baby.
The actual walk started about 10am and although there were lots of people there, only the bravest of the brave went out into the rain. But let me tell you that it was so worth it. First of all, our local March for Babies has something called the "Baby Boulevard" where they have posters to show all the babies that have passed (as a memorial) as well as for those babies that were in the NICU for awhile and are now home and happy. Below is Ava's sign. It was so bittersweet to see this. It was truly amazing to think that every time someone passed by her sign, they would be thinking of her even for just a second. To any mom that has had a baby pass away, it really means the world to us when we know that other people are thinking about our little babies. The last thing we want is for the world to forget that they existed (and Ava did exist!). The bitter part was seeing the butterfly on her poster, which is the sign of a baby that has passed. I so wanted to be one of the posters showing a happy baby on it. My husband and I got very emotional when we saw this and I am very thankful for the people that walked with us because they gave us the time to be alone when we first saw it. I also want to give a big shout out to Vanessa and Kristi (2 of my sorority sisters) for braving the rain and walking with us! You girls are the best and I am so thankful to have friends like you.
Our little Ava raised right around $3500 for March of Dimes!! I am so very proud of her and I can't wait to do this walk year after year in her honor. Ava; Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and we are unbelievably proud of you every single day. I hope you had fun watching us walk in the rain for you and other babies (and maybe had a good laugh at how soaked we were because we forgot umbrellas). Love you lots baby girl!
I wanted to post about our March for Babies walk that took place last weekend. Yeah, it rained a little bit (I mean A LOT!) but nothing can rain on this parade! It was so much fun. We had about 15 people from our team that weathered the rain with us and had a great time. It was great to see all the stories of babies that came too early, but were able to fight through and are healthy and happy today. At the same time, it was sad to see all the families that had to wear the silver beads (the color to signify a loss). I just wish that no one had to go through this and every person could bring home a healthy baby.
The actual walk started about 10am and although there were lots of people there, only the bravest of the brave went out into the rain. But let me tell you that it was so worth it. First of all, our local March for Babies has something called the "Baby Boulevard" where they have posters to show all the babies that have passed (as a memorial) as well as for those babies that were in the NICU for awhile and are now home and happy. Below is Ava's sign. It was so bittersweet to see this. It was truly amazing to think that every time someone passed by her sign, they would be thinking of her even for just a second. To any mom that has had a baby pass away, it really means the world to us when we know that other people are thinking about our little babies. The last thing we want is for the world to forget that they existed (and Ava did exist!). The bitter part was seeing the butterfly on her poster, which is the sign of a baby that has passed. I so wanted to be one of the posters showing a happy baby on it. My husband and I got very emotional when we saw this and I am very thankful for the people that walked with us because they gave us the time to be alone when we first saw it. I also want to give a big shout out to Vanessa and Kristi (2 of my sorority sisters) for braving the rain and walking with us! You girls are the best and I am so thankful to have friends like you.
Our little Ava raised right around $3500 for March of Dimes!! I am so very proud of her and I can't wait to do this walk year after year in her honor. Ava; Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and we are unbelievably proud of you every single day. I hope you had fun watching us walk in the rain for you and other babies (and maybe had a good laugh at how soaked we were because we forgot umbrellas). Love you lots baby girl!
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