Making a Difference

I know that lately I've been in kind of a funk, so I wanted to write an uplifting post today. As I said in my first post, my husband and I are walking in March for Babies in honor of our beautiful baby girl, Ava. Well, to date, Ava has raised over $3,000 for March of Dimes. She is making such a difference in all our lives and in the lives of people she doesn't even know. How truly incredible is that?! I am proud of my little girl every day, but this just makes me a beaming mommy who wants to shout to the world how amazing her daughter is!! This has also made me realize how much support my husband and I really have. There have been times since she passed that I have been disappointed, to say the least, in some of our "friends" with the way they have reacted. But, I also recognize that we have had a ton of people come out of the wood works to support us. It really is a great feeling to have that love and support, so thank you to all of our family and friends who have really been there for us. Happy hump day to everyone and can't wait til the weekend!

Blame

So if you have read this blog lately, you can tell that I've been struggling a bit. A lot of different things have contributed to this so it's hard to really know what has triggered it. Recently, I've been in a place where I just constantly blame myself for Ava's passing. For those who have read the "Ava's Story" tab, you know that Ava passed from an infection called Parvovirus that I contracted late in my first trimester. I have just been so mad at myself for ever letting this happen. In late October, my company had a trunk or treat type Halloween party where kids from all over the block came by and we passed out candy and what not. Throughout my entire pregnancy, this was the ONLY contact I had with children. Parvovirus is an infection that is almost exclusively passed on by kids through direct contact with them. Because of this, I am just so pissed that I even went to that stupid party. I know full well that kids are carriers for so many infections and I should have known better than to have direct contact with so many of them that day. What the hell was I thinking??!! Another thing that has hit me hard is that I also blame work. I mean how could they put people (especially pregnant people) at risk by having so many kids in our office? I know this doesn't make sense because offices have parties all the time where kids are invited, but I'm just so mad. Mad at myself, mad at work, just plain mad. I guess it's just easier to blame myself (and work) because not having anyone to blame for this tragedy is miserable. I wish I could just accept that bad things happen and it's no one's fault, but right now blame is the only game I can play.

Rough Day

Well, after a rough Easter day I was really hoping to have a better week but haven't had much luck with that so far. I will say it was nice to be able to work from home today and spend time with my hubby. I truly am very thankful for that because my husband has this great way of calming me down and putting me at ease. But the rest of this week has just been rough. Work isn't a lot of fun right now and AF is about to rear her ugly head once again and it just feels like a failure every time this miserable little friend decides to visit. Even if you aren't trying to get pregnant after a loss, having AF show up is just one big slap in the face. I mean, I shouldn't even have to deal with it because I should still be pregnant. I should be doing all the things that pregnant women get to do (especially those that are in the home stretch like I would have been) but instead I have to over think EVERY little sensation I have and think "maybe this is a sign I'm pregnant" only to be knocked down by the fact that it clearly isn't. I understand that any woman who is TTC has a rough time every month, but trying after a loss is just a whole lot of crap (those who are TTCAL will understand where I am coming from on this). On top of it my husband got some weird schedule at work that will most likely keep us from being together for the next month. I know it's only a month and I should be happy that on a regular basis we get to be together, but I'm having a crappy week and it's just hard to see that. I guess there wasn't much of a point in posting this, but sometimes it just helps to vent. Thanks for listening and to you other loss mamas, I hope your week is going well.

One Step Back

Yesterday was Easter and my family and I went out to brunch at the same place we have for the past couple of years. A lot of people attend this, so my husband and I braced ourselves for seeing lots and lots of babies. Well, sure enough, every corner we turned at the brunch seemed to pop up another one. I really did deal with this pretty well until we sat down at our table. The table across from us (and of course directly in my natural line of sight) was a family of 5 with 2 little girls and 1 baby boy. I mean this little guy could have only been about 3 or 4 months old. I don't know why, but seeing that baby hit me so hard! It didn't help that no matter how hard I tried not to look at him it was pretty much impossible because they were right in front of me. I started to get really down and get into the mode of "Why do they get 3 and we don't even get our one? Life so isn't fair." To make matters even worse, quite a few of the people at our table (yes, my family) were just oohing and awing all over this baby. I mean seriously people, you all should know how much I'm hurting and how much it kills me to see babies. Even if I don't say anything, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the look of "oh crap" on my face every time a baby is around. I know I need to get over this phase of it being hard to be around babies, but it's just so difficult. This moment felt like one HUGE step back in what I thought were a lot of steps forward lately. I hope I can muster up the courage to go out again soon because that brunch alone made me want to just hide in my house and act like the world didn't exist. However, I am starting to realize (like I said in my Easter post) that i can't ignore these sad days. It's just a part of the grieving process and I can't be mad at myself for it. I'm trying my best to do things out of my comfort zone (like going to brunch yesterday or even going out of the house in general) so I really should be proud of myself even it was a bit of a break down. Hopefully I can take a few more steps forward in the next couple of weeks and see the wonderful in my life.

To all of you loss mamas, I hope your weekend went well (we all know how hard holidays are) and that if you had a "step back" such as mine that you know you are not alone! I think about all of you often and pray that the days become kinder to us as we work through our loss journey.

Easter and New Beginnings

First of all, I want to wish a very happy and blessed Easter to everyone! I am so thankful to our Savior, Jesus Christ, for sacrificing his life to save ours. What a truly amazing gift he gave in laying down his life for his friends.

I also have always liked to think about Easter as a time of new beginnings, but I am really trying to embrace this idea this year more than ever. My husband and I have had a very rough 2011 and beginning of 2012. Because of this, I have had a tough time being grateful for all the blessings I currently have in my life. I've really only focused on the negative in our lives. This Easter season, my goal is going to be to focus on all that I currently have and any new blessings that may enter in the future. This does not at all mean that I will forget what has happened to us in losing Ava as she is with us in every walk of life. It just means that I want to see all the beauty that life truly holds. Although we can't hold our beautiful baby girl, I am so thankful that I can talk to her every night and know that she is flying around with all the other angels looking over us. I know that seeing the beauty in life will be much harder some days than others. For those of you who have lost a child or children, you know how deep, indescribable sadness can hit at any moment. I will have to be gentle with myself on those days because when we are sad we really need to feel it. I've always tried to push it deep down, but it is okay to be sad and have what most people call "bad" days. I'll just do my best to appreciate life's blessings at every chance I get.

I hope that all of you will have wonderful new beginnings to celebrate as well!

Change

Don’t Tell Me

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too.
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true.
Please don’t tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me.
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see.

Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot.

Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop.
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more.
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before.

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child.
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while.

And please don’t hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday.
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me,

You may like the new person I become someday.

                                                             -Anonymous

So this is a poem that I found soon after we lost Ava and I've held onto it for a long time and wanted to share it with others. This almost perfectly sums up everything I feel, but particularly the parts that I bolded above. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered friends or people at work or even my own family who have said something to the effect of "when will you get better and be your normal self." I want to seriously scream every time I hear something like this. Why can't others understand that after this type of loss, a person will never be the same. The way I look at the world has completely changed forever and it will never go back to "normal". In my opinion, I have changed for the better. I now love harder, breathe deeper and cherish every second I have on this Earth to be with my friends and family. Ava has forever changed me and I love her even more for that. It's just so funny to me (and not in a ha, ha way) how some people just really can't handle change. Now don't get me wrong, before Ava passed away I would be the first person to say I hated change. It always made me nervous and uneasy, but once I got through the initial shock, it actually ended up being for the better in most cases. So, why can't others get past the initial shock that I am not the same and embrace the new me? I really just have a different perspective on life now. I don't get hung up on the little things as much and I really try to enjoy life. What about that sounds so bad? Yes, I do have days where I am very, very sad and don't feel like being around people or listening to their "problems", but that is expected and those days are becoming fewer and more far between (although they will always be there). I also know that as a society we are very uncomfortable with grief and all the madness that comes along with it, but I would like to think that those who truly know me would get over their own issues to help me and my husband through this journey and embrace our change. I guess all I can really say to the people in my life at this point is, "I am beginning to really like the new me and I hope you can too."

Three Months

This week marks the three month anniversary of our little girl's passing. I'm not really sure why, but this anniversary has hit me very hard. I really was getting to the point where going to work or going out in public wasn't debilitating anymore, but lately it's just so difficult. Seeing pregnant women makes me want to hide in a hole somewhere and never come out! I guess hitting this mark just makes me realize that I should be sooo pregnant by now and have all the normal "I can't wait to have this baby" moments. But, I won't get any of that at all. Instead, I have to worry about things like getting our baby's death certificate and autopsy report. That just isn't something that any parent should have to go through. It's pure torture.

Another thing that makes this anniversary even harder is that Mother's Day is coming up very fast. I normally enjoy this day because my mom is truly one of the best people on the planet and I like showering her with love all day! But this Mother's Day won't be anything like that because all I will be able to think about is Ava and how she isn't here anymore. The part that makes it even worse is that even though I consider myself a mom, no one else really does. This normally wouldn't bother me, but this holiday is usually about other people acknowledging the moms they know in their lives and not one person (except my hubby) will acknowledge me as one. I may not have the privilege of having my daughter here on Earth with me, but trust me that I still parent her every day. I make sure there are flowers in her nursery to brighten it up, I make sure we have her death certificate and we are participating in March for Babies in honor of her. I mean there are some moms who are lucky enough to have children here with them and don't even do what my husband and I do for our little girl. I just wish more people would see loss mamas as true mothers because we really are!

Thanks to everyone for reading my very first post and there will be lots more to come!

Also, as I mentioned above, my husband and I are participating in March for Babies. I would appreciate any help in raising money to ensure that this does not happen to anyone else. If you can donate, we would be very grateful. You can access our site at http://www.marchforbabies.org/asnider85