One Step Back

Yesterday was Easter and my family and I went out to brunch at the same place we have for the past couple of years. A lot of people attend this, so my husband and I braced ourselves for seeing lots and lots of babies. Well, sure enough, every corner we turned at the brunch seemed to pop up another one. I really did deal with this pretty well until we sat down at our table. The table across from us (and of course directly in my natural line of sight) was a family of 5 with 2 little girls and 1 baby boy. I mean this little guy could have only been about 3 or 4 months old. I don't know why, but seeing that baby hit me so hard! It didn't help that no matter how hard I tried not to look at him it was pretty much impossible because they were right in front of me. I started to get really down and get into the mode of "Why do they get 3 and we don't even get our one? Life so isn't fair." To make matters even worse, quite a few of the people at our table (yes, my family) were just oohing and awing all over this baby. I mean seriously people, you all should know how much I'm hurting and how much it kills me to see babies. Even if I don't say anything, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the look of "oh crap" on my face every time a baby is around. I know I need to get over this phase of it being hard to be around babies, but it's just so difficult. This moment felt like one HUGE step back in what I thought were a lot of steps forward lately. I hope I can muster up the courage to go out again soon because that brunch alone made me want to just hide in my house and act like the world didn't exist. However, I am starting to realize (like I said in my Easter post) that i can't ignore these sad days. It's just a part of the grieving process and I can't be mad at myself for it. I'm trying my best to do things out of my comfort zone (like going to brunch yesterday or even going out of the house in general) so I really should be proud of myself even it was a bit of a break down. Hopefully I can take a few more steps forward in the next couple of weeks and see the wonderful in my life.

To all of you loss mamas, I hope your weekend went well (we all know how hard holidays are) and that if you had a "step back" such as mine that you know you are not alone! I think about all of you often and pray that the days become kinder to us as we work through our loss journey.