Blame

So if you have read this blog lately, you can tell that I've been struggling a bit. A lot of different things have contributed to this so it's hard to really know what has triggered it. Recently, I've been in a place where I just constantly blame myself for Ava's passing. For those who have read the "Ava's Story" tab, you know that Ava passed from an infection called Parvovirus that I contracted late in my first trimester. I have just been so mad at myself for ever letting this happen. In late October, my company had a trunk or treat type Halloween party where kids from all over the block came by and we passed out candy and what not. Throughout my entire pregnancy, this was the ONLY contact I had with children. Parvovirus is an infection that is almost exclusively passed on by kids through direct contact with them. Because of this, I am just so pissed that I even went to that stupid party. I know full well that kids are carriers for so many infections and I should have known better than to have direct contact with so many of them that day. What the hell was I thinking??!! Another thing that has hit me hard is that I also blame work. I mean how could they put people (especially pregnant people) at risk by having so many kids in our office? I know this doesn't make sense because offices have parties all the time where kids are invited, but I'm just so mad. Mad at myself, mad at work, just plain mad. I guess it's just easier to blame myself (and work) because not having anyone to blame for this tragedy is miserable. I wish I could just accept that bad things happen and it's no one's fault, but right now blame is the only game I can play.