Thank God For...

Headphones.

One of the worst parts of coming into work is having to listen to people talk about their newly born babies or their current pregnancies. I only work in a building with roughly 20 people but 3 of them are currently pregnant and 2 have recently had kids (and that's just the women in the office). So, pretty much the only thing I hear all day long is people talking about babies. I want to scream so bad at my coworkers sometimes, but I hold my tongue. If it weren't for being able to throw in some ear buds and listen to music so loudly it feels like my ear drums might pop, I would go insane. I know that people don't purposely talk about their kids around me, but I swear that sometimes it feels as if these people seek me. I know that sounds nuts, but this office has 3 floors and somehow they always end up talking right by my cube. I know my cube mate just had a kid, but really people, there are so many other places to talk where you won't be around me. SO MOVE! This is pretty nasty of me, but every now and then I will grab my iPod out of my purse really dramatically just so they are aware how pissed off I am. I know that's mean and selfish of me, but I could easily say the same thing about them.

So much for me wanting to get out of this depression lately. I just don't think it will ever happen. I was doing alright for awhile and actually had an ok 4th of July break. I had all of last week off (except Monday) and it was great. First, anytime I don't have to be at work is pretty nice. I actually don't mind work, but it still is great to be at home and around my husband. Second, I love the 4th of July and fireworks. It was crazy hot here, but there were still tons of displays and they really were beautiful to watch (even if I did have a freak out moment because some flames got pretty close to our house and it was super dry outside. Sorry, babe:)). Lastly, it was my birthday on Sunday and despite the fact that I was seriously dreading it, as this should have been my first birthday with Ava, it wasn't terrible. My hubby got up early and decorated the house and my parents came over for dinner. All in all, it ended up being ok, especially when I didn't think birthdays would ever be anything but miserable for the rest of my life. Despite last week though, things just aren't going very well. I so badly want to be happy again. I feel like life is a tease because I will have one good day and then get knocked down in a heart beat the next day (or hour, or minute or second). This roller coaster of grief (I guess that's what you would call it) just plain sucks. I'm sick of it; plain and simple. I guess all I can really do is take it one day at a time and relish the moments where I can be happy; no matter how brief it may be.

Happy belated 4th of July to everyone, especially my fellow loss mamas. Even though this may not be a typical "family" holiday like Christmas, it is still so hard. So, I hope that each of you were able to find some moments of happiness.

Ava, I hope you enjoyed watching all the fireworks in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy love you!

We Don't Deserve This

Over lunch today I went home for a bit and ended up watching an episode of 8 Simple Rules. It was the episode where the dad had just passed away. The entire episode was really emotional, but one line from the show really struck me and made me think over an idea I have always had. The idea that we always get what we deserve (good or bad). Pretty much the grandpa was saying that if we all got what we deserved, we probably wouldn't have all the blessing we have. I guess I've never thought of it like this. Ever since Ava passed away I have been blaming myself and thinking that I must be paying for my past mistakes. But after hearing that, I thought maybe he is right. Some of the things that happen in life just happen. There is no rhyme or reason, it just happens. It can happen to anyone too and at anytime. It's kind of a scary thought, but for a moment when I heard him say that, I actually thought all of this wasn't my fault and I didn't need to keep this heavy burden on my shoulders. Don't get me wrong; I think if you do good, good will come back to you at some point, but when the bad comes, sometimes it has nothing to do with you or the good/bad things you have done. This idea isn't really "romantic" in the sense that it doesn't wrap every life circumstance up into a pretty little bow, but it sure as hell made me breathe slightly easier for the time I was watching that. So to all those people who say that everything happens for a reason or that people will get what they deserve, I really don't agree. Certain things happen just because and there isn't an explanation at all. While that isn't very comforting to most people, it helps me get through the here and now.

Will It Ever Get Better?

So a lot has happened since I last posted...

In early April, we found out we were pregnant again. Although we were extremely excited, I can't begin to describe how very, very afraid I was. I truly felt guilty for how scared I was and became really mad at myself that this pregnancy would be riddled with fear and would be the farthest thing from happy. However, those feelings didn't last very long as we found out in late May (10.5 weeks into the pregnancy) that we lost another baby. Utter despair set in and I pretty much went off the deep edge. I literally ran away from home for a night and refused to speak to anyone including my husband (sweetie, I am still so sorry I did that to you). I know it sounds nuts, but as scared as I was, I just thought this pregnancy would work out because I didn't think there could be a God cruel enough to inflict another loss on us. Boy was I wrong. I had to have a D&C at the end of May and what I thought would be routine ended up being anything but. I had some pretty serious complications and ended up with an infection as well as retained tissue. The retained tissue caused me to have contractions and that was just insult to injury. The physical pain was so unbearable that I had to check back into the hospital and be monitored for a few days. I really feel like I can't do anything the easy way.

So, needless to say, the past month and a half has just been miserable. We've met with doctors who say absolutely nothing is wrong with us and that losing Ava and this most recent pregnancy are just simply bad luck. While I know they are right, as we have had a boat load of testing done (plus the fact that Ava's loss and this loss are not even remotely related), it just feels like nothing will ever work out for us and this endless depression won't get better. While losing this baby was very difficult, it really just brought up the fact that I miss our Ava more than words can tell. Had Ava been born in May a healthy, happy baby, we wouldn't have even been trying to get pregnant and we wouldn't have lost another baby. I don't want to take anything away from the baby we lost, but all I could really think about was Ava. Losing her was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.

On top of everything, the people that did know we were pregnant (really just our parents) aren't the most sympathetic right now. I appreciate the support they have given us, but you can just tell in talking with them that they have this sense of "get over it." I feel like they have this idea that since this was "just" a miscarriage and not a stillbirth (like Ava) that we are not mourning this baby too. Again, losing Ava was much more difficult than this loss, but a loss is a loss no matter what gestational age. Other than each other, my husband and I really have no one to talk to about this and it's just miserable. I know that we will make it through together because our relationship is incredibly strong, but I just want to know if it will ever get better...

March for Babies

Hi Everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I last posted but I was in a really bad spot for awhile and work has pretty much given me zero time to spend on anything else.

I wanted to post about our March for Babies walk that took place last weekend. Yeah, it rained a little bit (I mean A LOT!) but nothing can rain on this parade! It was so much fun. We had about 15 people from our team that weathered the rain with us and had a great time. It was great to see all the stories of babies that came too early, but were able to fight through and are healthy and happy today. At the same time, it was sad to see all the families that had to wear the silver beads (the color to signify a loss). I just wish that no one had to go through this and every person could bring home a healthy baby.

The actual walk started about 10am and although there were lots of people there, only the bravest of the brave went out into the rain. But let me tell you that it was so worth it. First of all, our local March for Babies has something called the "Baby Boulevard" where they have posters to show all the babies that have passed (as a memorial) as well as for those babies that were in the NICU for awhile and are now home and happy. Below is Ava's sign. It was so bittersweet to see this. It was truly amazing to think that every time someone passed by her sign, they would be thinking of her even for just a second. To any mom that has had a baby pass away, it really means the world to us when we know that other people are thinking about our little babies. The last thing we want is for the world to forget that they existed (and Ava did exist!). The bitter part was seeing the butterfly on her poster, which is the sign of a baby that has passed. I so wanted to be one of the posters showing a happy baby on it. My husband and I got very emotional when we saw this and I am very thankful for the people that walked with us because they gave us the time to be alone when we first saw it. I also want to give a big shout out to Vanessa and Kristi (2 of my sorority sisters) for braving the rain and walking with us! You girls are the best and I am so thankful to have friends like you.

Our little Ava raised right around $3500 for March of Dimes!! I am so very proud of her and I can't wait to do this walk year after year in her honor. Ava; Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and we are unbelievably proud of you every single day. I hope you had fun watching us walk in the rain for you and other babies (and maybe had a good laugh at how soaked we were because we forgot umbrellas). Love you lots baby girl!

Making a Difference

I know that lately I've been in kind of a funk, so I wanted to write an uplifting post today. As I said in my first post, my husband and I are walking in March for Babies in honor of our beautiful baby girl, Ava. Well, to date, Ava has raised over $3,000 for March of Dimes. She is making such a difference in all our lives and in the lives of people she doesn't even know. How truly incredible is that?! I am proud of my little girl every day, but this just makes me a beaming mommy who wants to shout to the world how amazing her daughter is!! This has also made me realize how much support my husband and I really have. There have been times since she passed that I have been disappointed, to say the least, in some of our "friends" with the way they have reacted. But, I also recognize that we have had a ton of people come out of the wood works to support us. It really is a great feeling to have that love and support, so thank you to all of our family and friends who have really been there for us. Happy hump day to everyone and can't wait til the weekend!

Blame

So if you have read this blog lately, you can tell that I've been struggling a bit. A lot of different things have contributed to this so it's hard to really know what has triggered it. Recently, I've been in a place where I just constantly blame myself for Ava's passing. For those who have read the "Ava's Story" tab, you know that Ava passed from an infection called Parvovirus that I contracted late in my first trimester. I have just been so mad at myself for ever letting this happen. In late October, my company had a trunk or treat type Halloween party where kids from all over the block came by and we passed out candy and what not. Throughout my entire pregnancy, this was the ONLY contact I had with children. Parvovirus is an infection that is almost exclusively passed on by kids through direct contact with them. Because of this, I am just so pissed that I even went to that stupid party. I know full well that kids are carriers for so many infections and I should have known better than to have direct contact with so many of them that day. What the hell was I thinking??!! Another thing that has hit me hard is that I also blame work. I mean how could they put people (especially pregnant people) at risk by having so many kids in our office? I know this doesn't make sense because offices have parties all the time where kids are invited, but I'm just so mad. Mad at myself, mad at work, just plain mad. I guess it's just easier to blame myself (and work) because not having anyone to blame for this tragedy is miserable. I wish I could just accept that bad things happen and it's no one's fault, but right now blame is the only game I can play.

Rough Day

Well, after a rough Easter day I was really hoping to have a better week but haven't had much luck with that so far. I will say it was nice to be able to work from home today and spend time with my hubby. I truly am very thankful for that because my husband has this great way of calming me down and putting me at ease. But the rest of this week has just been rough. Work isn't a lot of fun right now and AF is about to rear her ugly head once again and it just feels like a failure every time this miserable little friend decides to visit. Even if you aren't trying to get pregnant after a loss, having AF show up is just one big slap in the face. I mean, I shouldn't even have to deal with it because I should still be pregnant. I should be doing all the things that pregnant women get to do (especially those that are in the home stretch like I would have been) but instead I have to over think EVERY little sensation I have and think "maybe this is a sign I'm pregnant" only to be knocked down by the fact that it clearly isn't. I understand that any woman who is TTC has a rough time every month, but trying after a loss is just a whole lot of crap (those who are TTCAL will understand where I am coming from on this). On top of it my husband got some weird schedule at work that will most likely keep us from being together for the next month. I know it's only a month and I should be happy that on a regular basis we get to be together, but I'm having a crappy week and it's just hard to see that. I guess there wasn't much of a point in posting this, but sometimes it just helps to vent. Thanks for listening and to you other loss mamas, I hope your week is going well.

One Step Back

Yesterday was Easter and my family and I went out to brunch at the same place we have for the past couple of years. A lot of people attend this, so my husband and I braced ourselves for seeing lots and lots of babies. Well, sure enough, every corner we turned at the brunch seemed to pop up another one. I really did deal with this pretty well until we sat down at our table. The table across from us (and of course directly in my natural line of sight) was a family of 5 with 2 little girls and 1 baby boy. I mean this little guy could have only been about 3 or 4 months old. I don't know why, but seeing that baby hit me so hard! It didn't help that no matter how hard I tried not to look at him it was pretty much impossible because they were right in front of me. I started to get really down and get into the mode of "Why do they get 3 and we don't even get our one? Life so isn't fair." To make matters even worse, quite a few of the people at our table (yes, my family) were just oohing and awing all over this baby. I mean seriously people, you all should know how much I'm hurting and how much it kills me to see babies. Even if I don't say anything, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the look of "oh crap" on my face every time a baby is around. I know I need to get over this phase of it being hard to be around babies, but it's just so difficult. This moment felt like one HUGE step back in what I thought were a lot of steps forward lately. I hope I can muster up the courage to go out again soon because that brunch alone made me want to just hide in my house and act like the world didn't exist. However, I am starting to realize (like I said in my Easter post) that i can't ignore these sad days. It's just a part of the grieving process and I can't be mad at myself for it. I'm trying my best to do things out of my comfort zone (like going to brunch yesterday or even going out of the house in general) so I really should be proud of myself even it was a bit of a break down. Hopefully I can take a few more steps forward in the next couple of weeks and see the wonderful in my life.

To all of you loss mamas, I hope your weekend went well (we all know how hard holidays are) and that if you had a "step back" such as mine that you know you are not alone! I think about all of you often and pray that the days become kinder to us as we work through our loss journey.

Easter and New Beginnings

First of all, I want to wish a very happy and blessed Easter to everyone! I am so thankful to our Savior, Jesus Christ, for sacrificing his life to save ours. What a truly amazing gift he gave in laying down his life for his friends.

I also have always liked to think about Easter as a time of new beginnings, but I am really trying to embrace this idea this year more than ever. My husband and I have had a very rough 2011 and beginning of 2012. Because of this, I have had a tough time being grateful for all the blessings I currently have in my life. I've really only focused on the negative in our lives. This Easter season, my goal is going to be to focus on all that I currently have and any new blessings that may enter in the future. This does not at all mean that I will forget what has happened to us in losing Ava as she is with us in every walk of life. It just means that I want to see all the beauty that life truly holds. Although we can't hold our beautiful baby girl, I am so thankful that I can talk to her every night and know that she is flying around with all the other angels looking over us. I know that seeing the beauty in life will be much harder some days than others. For those of you who have lost a child or children, you know how deep, indescribable sadness can hit at any moment. I will have to be gentle with myself on those days because when we are sad we really need to feel it. I've always tried to push it deep down, but it is okay to be sad and have what most people call "bad" days. I'll just do my best to appreciate life's blessings at every chance I get.

I hope that all of you will have wonderful new beginnings to celebrate as well!

Change

Don’t Tell Me

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too.
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true.
Please don’t tell me my daughter is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want her here with me.
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear her voice, see her face,
Beyond today I cannot see.

Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot.

Don't tell me to face the fact she is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop.
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more.
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before.

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child.
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while.

And please don’t hesitate to say her name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday.
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me,

You may like the new person I become someday.

                                                             -Anonymous

So this is a poem that I found soon after we lost Ava and I've held onto it for a long time and wanted to share it with others. This almost perfectly sums up everything I feel, but particularly the parts that I bolded above. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered friends or people at work or even my own family who have said something to the effect of "when will you get better and be your normal self." I want to seriously scream every time I hear something like this. Why can't others understand that after this type of loss, a person will never be the same. The way I look at the world has completely changed forever and it will never go back to "normal". In my opinion, I have changed for the better. I now love harder, breathe deeper and cherish every second I have on this Earth to be with my friends and family. Ava has forever changed me and I love her even more for that. It's just so funny to me (and not in a ha, ha way) how some people just really can't handle change. Now don't get me wrong, before Ava passed away I would be the first person to say I hated change. It always made me nervous and uneasy, but once I got through the initial shock, it actually ended up being for the better in most cases. So, why can't others get past the initial shock that I am not the same and embrace the new me? I really just have a different perspective on life now. I don't get hung up on the little things as much and I really try to enjoy life. What about that sounds so bad? Yes, I do have days where I am very, very sad and don't feel like being around people or listening to their "problems", but that is expected and those days are becoming fewer and more far between (although they will always be there). I also know that as a society we are very uncomfortable with grief and all the madness that comes along with it, but I would like to think that those who truly know me would get over their own issues to help me and my husband through this journey and embrace our change. I guess all I can really say to the people in my life at this point is, "I am beginning to really like the new me and I hope you can too."

Three Months

This week marks the three month anniversary of our little girl's passing. I'm not really sure why, but this anniversary has hit me very hard. I really was getting to the point where going to work or going out in public wasn't debilitating anymore, but lately it's just so difficult. Seeing pregnant women makes me want to hide in a hole somewhere and never come out! I guess hitting this mark just makes me realize that I should be sooo pregnant by now and have all the normal "I can't wait to have this baby" moments. But, I won't get any of that at all. Instead, I have to worry about things like getting our baby's death certificate and autopsy report. That just isn't something that any parent should have to go through. It's pure torture.

Another thing that makes this anniversary even harder is that Mother's Day is coming up very fast. I normally enjoy this day because my mom is truly one of the best people on the planet and I like showering her with love all day! But this Mother's Day won't be anything like that because all I will be able to think about is Ava and how she isn't here anymore. The part that makes it even worse is that even though I consider myself a mom, no one else really does. This normally wouldn't bother me, but this holiday is usually about other people acknowledging the moms they know in their lives and not one person (except my hubby) will acknowledge me as one. I may not have the privilege of having my daughter here on Earth with me, but trust me that I still parent her every day. I make sure there are flowers in her nursery to brighten it up, I make sure we have her death certificate and we are participating in March for Babies in honor of her. I mean there are some moms who are lucky enough to have children here with them and don't even do what my husband and I do for our little girl. I just wish more people would see loss mamas as true mothers because we really are!

Thanks to everyone for reading my very first post and there will be lots more to come!

Also, as I mentioned above, my husband and I are participating in March for Babies. I would appreciate any help in raising money to ensure that this does not happen to anyone else. If you can donate, we would be very grateful. You can access our site at http://www.marchforbabies.org/asnider85